i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
sarcasm needs its own font
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
