At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
