Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
