Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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