The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
