yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
