I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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