i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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