You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
