ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
