I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize