3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
