it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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