You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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