This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
