and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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