Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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