bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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