And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
