So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
