I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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