Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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