Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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