I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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