You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
