I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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