The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
