i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
