...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
