you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
