forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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