I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
