dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
