that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
