I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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