You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
MIDGETS
????
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
