woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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