Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
