I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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