Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize