im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
