you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
