Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
