Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
