Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i believe in u and ur pee
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
