so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
