If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just sent this text using only my big toe
found the other keg... it's in the tree
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize