I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
