Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
