I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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