Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
