If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
