she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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