take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
