this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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