Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
