why didn't you poke me back
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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